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He, who wakes up early, yawns all day long…
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
There are only three things that Women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
Instant gratification takes too long.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
I have never been hurt by what I have Not said
I saw a stationery store move.
Flattery is like cologne water…. to be smelt, not swallowed
Laughter is like a windshield wiper… it doesn't stop the rain, but allows us to keep going.

If you pay an entry fee to a marathon, they literally give you a run for your money.
I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three times while carrying me to the car.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible. But if you do that with your Wife, it’s called “cheating.”
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. -Sent from my iPhone6.
Burnt 1400 calories yesterday... Forgot to take out the Pizza from the oven.
Thank you for being there for me. By ‘there’ I mean ‘not here’.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity... I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it
I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.


"Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
  A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa.

The year's winning submissions:

  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • The batteries were given out free of charge.
  • A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  • A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
  • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


My friend had bad luck with both his wives. The first one left him, and the second one didn't.
Looks don't matter to me if you're attractive.
I don't need fun to have Wine.
Most offices are just thinly-disguised adult day care.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.
Beauty Spot : The Art of locating a sexy woman in a crowd.
Important circular from GOD: Laying in bed with somebody and screaming "oh my GOD... oh my GOD" will not be considered as a prayer...
IT Department: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Be the strange that you want to see in the world.



Laughter is the Best medicine, but if you’re laughing at nothing you need medicine.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habbits.
I am a responsible person...People are always saying "I know you're responsible for this."
Dear Google,Please stop behaving like WOMAN..will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before u start guessing & suggesting!!!....
No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
You should be able to see who you would be sitting next while you're booking your flight.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.
Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women.
That awkward moment when you leave the shop without buying anything and all you can think is, 'act natural, you're innocent.'

I know its 3 meals a day... but how many should I eat at night? 
I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed
Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational 
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I can't stop obsessing over how much you're probably thinking about me.
Without that little voice in your head, you wouldn’t be able to read this.
You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
Why do people with bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for its health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealing!

Whenever you’re talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 1000.
I’ve always wanted to know what was Victoria’s secret...
If you don’t feel like writing a long email to somebody, just write a short sentence and then add “Sent from my blackberry.”
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check Facebook for 3+ hours. But you still can’t be totally sure...
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
As a joke, I would love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell “Got it!” and then run away.
They chose those two animals to represent the stock market because Wall Street will feed you all the bull you can bear.
The awkward moment when you look over at the car next to you and someone is already staring at you.
I have a strong will, but a weak won’t.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
If you want someone to fall for you, you’ve got to give them something worth tripping over.
We are shaped by what we love, especially alcohol & dessert.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
No matter how loud car alarms are, cars never seem to wake up.
When. You. Read. This. The. Voice. In. Your. Head. Just. Slowed. Down. Haha…!

Season’s Greetings…!

This was taken from a tourism blog where people could post queries if they were planning on making a trip to India.  The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who demonstrate tolerance and excellent sense of humor.
  Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it"s only three thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q : Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you"ve been drinking.

Q: Are there any ATMs India ? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi, Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . In-di-a is that big triangle in the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean which does not.. oh forget it. ...... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in India ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we"ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into India ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Indiana Pacers matches schedule? ( France )
A: Indiana is a state in the Unites States of...oh forget it. Sure, the Indiana Pacers matches are played every Tues day night in Goa, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore, and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Do you have perfume in India ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't, We stink in India.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather in India.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first to speak properly.

Q: Do you have Toilet paper? (USA)
A: No, we use sand paper but we have different grades for you to chose.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
If you think nobody cares if you"re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
Experience is what you get when you didn"t get what you wanted.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Don"t take life too seriously, you won"t get out alive

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you"re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Assassins do it from behind.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr Jones,do you understand that you have to tell the truth?" Mr Jones: "I do" "Now what do you say to defend yourself?" "Your honour, under those limtations... nothing."
Q: What is the most popular deity in Los Angeles?
A: Godess KALI.. since Los Angeles is in “Kali”-fornia !!
Breaking News...
Latest Headlines from the News Desk -
1). A hard-line Indian political organization has decided to launch a nation wide agitation against all ISI mark products, since it suspects a Pakistani hand in them.
2). A fundamentalist organization in Pakistan has opposed the telecast of WWE RAW Wrestling programmes in the country, as it believes Indian Intelligence is behind it.
Three cockroaches were going on the road,
suddenly one of them started singing the song — AASHIQ BANAYA AAPNE.
Few mins later, all the three cockroaches died... any idea why?????
COZ the song is HIT……

Once in MIT, there was an Indian student.
He was very briliant, and his General Knowledge (GK) was excellent.
He won every Quiz in the institute .... Once he fell in love with a
Phirangi girl...
He proposed the girl, but She straight way rejected him ... calling him
Bloody Desi...
So after this, his GK fell drastically, and he stopped taking part in Quiz
and all.....
Now, u tell me the reason ... WHY ???



becoz, Jab Dil hee toot gaya.... toh GK kya karenge.


This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald"s in Florida ... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Name: Greg Warner
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
Desired position: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever"s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn"t be applying here in the first place.
Education: Yes.         
Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.
Salary: Less than I"m worth.
Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason for leaving: It sucked.    
Hours available to work: Any.
Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they"re better suited to a more intimate environment.
May we contact your current employer?: If I had one, would I be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to50 kilos?: Of what?
Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I"m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I"d like to be doing that now.
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.
Sign here: Aries...

Q : Nurse to Santa Singh : Mubarak Ho!! Aap Papa Ban Gaye
A : Santa : "Please don't tell my wife, I want to give her this surprise."
Q : What do you call a "Fat" lady waiting for a bus?
A : "Moti - vating"!
Regular naps "prevent" old age.... especially if you do so whilst driving a car.
Consequences of an American Lifestyle family - The wife screams at her husband - "Come quickly! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!!"
There is a sign in a "sex-change" clinic which reads : "We may never piss this way again."
Santa : "I kiss my wife every morning before going to office."
Banta : "Me too, after you leave."
Why men are happier than women?
a). The world is our urinal.
b). Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
c). If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
d.) The same hairstyle lasts for years, sometimes decades.
e). People never stare at our chest when we are talking to them.
f). One wallet, one pair of shoes, one belt: all seasons.
g). We can never be pregnant.
h). Our belly usually hides our big hips.
i). We have an option of growing a moustache.
Q: What do you call a Gujju with no knees?
A: Knee - less (Nilesh)
Q: What did the 1st pizza slice say to the other pizza slice so it would move?
A: Pizza - "Hut"!!

Q : What does the blonde say after the doctor tells her that she is pregnant?
A : "Is it mine?"
Q.: What do you call a wife who is sexy, beautiful, understanding, intelligent, caring,never jealous, humourous and a great cook?
A.: A "rumour"
Q : Why did Banta Singh carry a pair of binoculars?
A : Because he was on his way to see a "distant" relative.....
I think "drinking" and "driving" is terrible............You always spill it while changing gears.
Why are married women heavier than single women?Single women come home, see what"s in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home, see whats" in bed and then go to the fridge.
Eve to Adam : "What do you mean that the kids don't look like you?"
A neighbour of mine is so "fat", when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she first gets an estimate.
Do you know what the blonde did after taking a "Xerox" copy of a letter?... She compared it to the original for spelling mistakes...
I can sum up everything I"ve learned about life.......It"s $, Rs., £, $, Rs., £
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk. The brunette says, "Oh look, a dead bird." And the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "WHERE???"
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. -
1) Never tell everything you know......
2). And........... J

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute Of Answering Machines...

  * Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
* Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
* Hi. Now you say something.
* Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
* Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message I'll call sooner!
* Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I"ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
* This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
* Hi. I"m probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don"t like. Leave me a message, and if I don"t call back, it's you.
* Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
* Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

One day a husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma"
And they say blondes are dumb...
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn"t work anyway.
Height of optimism:
Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that"s where you get your shitty ideas from!
Changu was visiting Mangu, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Mangu responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Changu: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?  "HELLOOOOOO," answered Mangu. "They"re watch dogs!"

Laws of Universe
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1). Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will                begin to ITCH or you"ll have to pee.
2). Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get a busy signal.
3). Wilson"s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will STOP making it.
4). Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move FASTER than the one you are in now. (works every time).
5). Brown"s Law: If the shoe fits, it"s UGLY.
6). Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the TELEPHONE rings.
7). Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won"t work, it WILL.
8). Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don"t know WHAT you are talking about.
9). Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is INVERSELY proportional to the reach.
10). Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive LAST.
11). Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you WILL have a flat tire.



A few of the 100 reasons why it"s greater to be a "Man" than being a "Woman":
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You don"t have to monitor your friend"s sex lives.
• Old friends don"t give you crap if you"ve lost or gained weight.
• Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
• You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
• You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• If you"re 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
• Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
• Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
• You have a normal & healthy relationship with your mother.
• You needn"t pretend you"re "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
• People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them. P.S. - If any woman reader would like to contribute to "A few reasons why it"s better to be a woman than a man"


Celibacy is not hereditary.
Marriage is the process of finding our what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
The longest sentence known to man - "I DO".
Why are men like computers?
a. They"re useless until you turn them on
b. They have lots of data but can still be clueless
c. As soon as you pick one, a better model comes on the market.
Why are women like computers?
a. No one really understands them
b. All your mistakes are stored in their memory
c. You find yourself spending all your money on accessories for them.
What do you call a Sardar with one hair?
EKbal Singh
Which brother of Kalidas makes shoes?
How can you tell when a man is a bachelor?
He comes to work from a different direction every day.
What did the cannibal say when he first saw an ice skating rink?
"What do you know ... People on the rocks!"
A student comes to a young professor"s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I"m home now. But leave a message and I"ll call when I'm out."
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world"s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
ADAM : The only man in the world who couldn"t say "Pardon me, haven't I seen you before?"
FOR SALE : Complete set of Encyclopedias, excellent condition, no longer needed, got married last week... WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
Q : What do you call a wife who's sexy, beautiful, intelligent, understanding, caring, never jealous and a great cook?
Ans : "A rumour!"

Mechanic to Car Owner : "I couldn't repair the brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. They both are empty neck upwards.
Q. Why did Santa Singh take his pregnant wife to Pizza Hut?
A. Because they advertised "FREE DELIVERY".
Q. What is the difference between a "watch" and a "wife"?
A. Ek bigadti hai to bund ho jaati hai, Aur doosri bigadti hai to
chaaloo ho jaati hai.
Women are like phones.
They love to be held and talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you'll be disconnected.
Q. How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a "blonde"?
A. There is a stamp on it.
Your birth certificate is an apology from a condom factory.
Did you ever notice that when you are driving, anyone going slower than you is an IDIOT, and anyone driving faster that you is a MANIAC.
Next time, borrow money from PESSIMISTS. They won't expect you to return it.
Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What men know about women.

Teenage - The time between. . . .
1. between pigtails & cocktails.
2. When your children begin to question your answers.
3. When a girl makes up her face more easily than her mind.
4. when girls begin to powder and boys begin to puff.
Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.
An ulcer often shows that a man is in big money: either he is making it or owing it.
Doctor to patient : "Don't take your problem to bed with you.
Patient : "I tried, but my wife is not ready to sleep alone.
Every time I open a fortune cookie I find a note inside from my wife telling me to come home at once.
Did you notice how my voice filled the auditorium?
"Yes, I noticed that a lot of people left to make room for it.
If you were my husband, I'd give you poison.
"If I was your husband, I would take it.
A smart woman always asks her husband's opinion after she has made up her mind.
If you want your wife to listen, talk to another woman.
Definition of Globalization :
Princess Diana"s death : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicine. This message was created by an Indian on a Chinese phone smuggled by Pakistani

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy Women.
A man had been drinking for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. He looked inside the car and he saw the man"s girlfriend and his friend, Dave, kissing. Shaking his head, he walked back and told the drunk to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.
"What"s so funny?" asked the bartender.
"That stupid Dave?" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
There is a brunette and 11 blondes hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope would break if one of them didn"t let go and they would all fall to their deaths. The Brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself for the others. At the end of the speech the blondes all clap.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
A police officer stops Santa Singh for speeding and asks him very nicely if he could see his license. He replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.
Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani"s daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"
Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"
Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani"s son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."
This is how business is done!!!
Gujju Lover (Man) : Darling, Mere kaan main kuch halka sa, kuch naram sa, kuch namkeen sa, kuch chatpata sa kaho!
Gujju (Woman) : DHOKLA!!!
He came at night... explored my body, touched me, kissed me all over, bit me, did what was to be done and when he was satisfied, he left me... I was hurt... BLOODY MOSQUITO!!!
Vajpayee, Musharraf, Aishwarya Rai and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Aishwarya Rai. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"
Aishwarya is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."
Musharraf is thinking: "Damn it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Aishwarya, she thought it was me and slapped me."
Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."

The walls of our apartment are so thin, I once asked my wife a question and got four different answers.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have so many branches?
She gives a lousy haircut, but she knows all the latest gossip.
She bought a bikini that's smaller than the price tag.
Was it hot on the beach today?"
"Terrible! It was so hot we took turns sitting in each other's shadows."
If I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Every time I meet a beautiful girl either she is married or I am.
A thing of beauty keeps you broke forever.
There are a few four-letter words that will shake up every bride - like cook, wash, dust and iron.
He won't talk much about the honeymoon. All he said was, when they came down for breakfast the first morning, he asked for separate checks.
Funny, when a girl is old enough to go out alone, she doesn't.
Man comes home, finds his wife in bed with his friend. He shoots him dead.
Wife says to him, "If you're gonna behave like this, you'll lose all your friends."

Was your boss sore when you told him you were quitting next week?"
"He sure was. He thought it was this week.
Statistics show that most Diets start tomorrow.
Women Lib!
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to get liberated from???
I was thrown out of the submarine service. I was caught sleeping with the windows open.
The way hairstyles are today, you can"t tell from the back if it is a man who needs a haircut or a woman who just had one.
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute.
But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it"s two hours.
- Albert Einstein
My cat is very smart. I asked her what two minus two was and she said "NOTHING".
Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
I ought to be able to, sir. I"ve had 12 different jobs in four months.
Did you get the cheque I sent you?
Yeah, twice - once from you and once from the bank.

Have you ever been in an accident?
Yes. Once when I was on a train going through a tunnel, I kissed the father instead of his daughter.
The average bride gets enough advice to last her for several husbands.The best cure for a hangover is to drink black coffee the night before instead of the morning later.
Tip for doctors: In case of amnesia, collect the fee in advance.
Advice to people about to get married: Don't!
Advice to single girls: never look for a husband - look for a single man.
Old? He chases his secretary around the desk, but can't remember why.
A woman stops telling her age as soon as it starts telling on her.
There are some women who won't lie about their age - they just refuse to talk about it
There are only two ways to avoid alimony: either stay single or stay married.
My wife keeps reminding me that her allowance isn't as big as her alimony would be.

What kind of money do fishermen make?
Net Profits
My father puts people in touch with spirits.
Is he a spiritualist?
No, he runs a pub!!
Did you hear about the vampires" family reunion?
All the blood relations went.
If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
An antique is something your grandparents bought, your parents sold, and you bought again.
The biggest guns in most corporations are those who have never been fired.
A chauvinist is someone who makes dozens of women happy: He can only marry one of them.
Some men like a woman who shows style, but most prefer styles that show a woman.
Why do they call it "rush hour" when traffic is at a standstill?
Credit cards are what make buying easy and paying hard...
It's not that Customs Agents are crooked, but they do operate under the theory that what you seize is what you get.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
Ever notice how many people eat with their fingers and talk with their fork?
There is no workout more strenuous than having to push the thought of food to the back of your mind.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
It's the women wearing padded bras and getting nose jobs who usually ask where all the real men have gone.
It's true that wine improves with age : The older you get, the more you like it.

A bit of philosophy...
Even though you may have earned a million rupees, your day is incomplete unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
And now ….. Laugh a little
Adolescence - period in life between puberty and adultery.
I once stayed in a hotel where the walls of our room were so thin that every time I asked my wife a question I got three different answers.
Why are you jumping up and down?
"Because I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle."
What is the last thing you take off before going to bed?
Your feet off the floor.
Where do you find mangoes?
Where womangoes.
Notice in the window of a health food restaurant:
"Our salad dinners will take your breadth away."
Pretty young girl : "If I go up to your room do you promise to be good?"
Young man : "Why - I promise to be FANTASTIC!"
Doctor : "And how are we this morning?"
Patient : "I'm feeling better doctor, but my breathing still troubles me."
Doctor : "We must see if we can put a stop to that."
Bacteria : the back entrance of a cafeteria.
Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I think I'm becoming invisible."
Doctor: "Who said that?"
I once went to a cinema and watched a mad, passionate scene that lasted for almost half an hour - then I had to stop looking at the back row and watch the film.

Nothing makes a woman feel older than meeting a bald-headed man who was two years behind her in school.
Grandparent : Something so simple, a child can operate it.
The person who says the art of conversation is dead never waited outside a phone booth for someone to finish talking.
The bad thing about a popular song is that it makes a lot of people think they can sing.
The father watching his daughter select a very expensive wedding gown: "I don't mind giving you away, but must I gift-wrap you, too?"
Statistical Expert
Mother wanted to spend Saturday afternoon shopping and father - a statistician - reluctantly agreed to abandon his golf and spend the afternoon with the three small, energetic children.
When mother returned, father handed her this note :-
Dried tears - 9 times
Tied shoes - 13 times
Served water - 18 times
Toy balloons purchased - 3 for each child
Average life of balloon - exactly 12 seconds
Cautioned children not to cross street - 21 times
Children insisted on crossing street - 21 times
Number of Saturdays father will do this again - 0
Drunk customer to banker: "My cheque came back marked "No Funds". Is the bank failing?"
A luxury is something that becomes a necessity if your neighbour has it.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars
Income tax song: "Everything I Have Is Yours."

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end &
a fool at the other.
Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.
Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and a woman gains her master
Divorce : Future tense of marriage
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water-power.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Don't steal....The Government hates Competition.
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life ! !
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
I've found that women are the chief cause of men's lying....
They insist on asking too damn many questions !!!
Lots of women are still housekeepers...
When they get divorced, they keep the house.
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one.
Why do you press the remote control harder when you know the battery's dead.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Banta Singh & Santa Singh were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They kept on falling off the ladders, which a passerby was observing. He talks to them, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it and informs them and walks away. They laugh loudly saying "What a nut he was, we were looking for the height and he gives us the length.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Stepping out from her bathing tub, a lovely young woman was reaching for a towel when she became aware of a window cleaner looking at her. So stunned was she that she couldn't move a muscle. She just kept staring at the man. "What's the matter, lady?" he said, "Haven't you seen a window cleaner before?"
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married
A laundry in Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time
In Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service
In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager
On a Athi River highway:
Take notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If at first you do not succeed destroy all evidence that you tried.
If it were true, that only the thought was that counted, more women would be pregnant.
If it were true, that only the thought was that counted, more women would be pregnant.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Paris hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Where there is a will... there is an Inheritance Tax
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house
Horse sense, is the thing, a horse has, that keeps it from betting on people.
I never forget a face but in your case I will make an exception
I never made a mistake in my life I thought I did once but I was wrong
I will always love the false image I had of you
Things that prove you're a Bombayite...
Your door has more than three locks.
You spend more time each month travelling than you spend at home.
You're paying Rs 10,000 for a 1 room apartment, the size of walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
Court Room Bloopers
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.