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Laugh a Little

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Laugh a Little

January 2016

  • He, who wakes up early, yawns all day long…
  • We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
  • There are only three things that Women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
  • Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
  • Instant gratification takes too long.
  • To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
  • In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
  • I have never been hurt by what I have Not said
  • I saw a stationery store move.
  • Flattery is like cologne water…. to be smelt, not swallowed
  • Laughter is like a windshield wiper… it doesn't stop the rain, but allows us to keep going.

January 2015

  • If you pay an entry fee to a marathon, they literally give you a run for your money.
  • I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three times while carrying me to the car.
  • If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible. But if you do that with your Wife, it’s called “cheating.”
  • We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. -Sent from my iPhone6.
  • Thank you for being there for me. By ‘there’ I mean ‘not here’.
  • We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
  • My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity... I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it
  • I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.

September 2014

  • "Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
  • A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa.
  • The year's winning submissions:
    • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
    • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
    • The batteries were given out free of charge.
    • A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
    • A will is a dead giveaway.
    • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
    • Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    • Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
    • A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
    • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
    • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
    • When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
    • Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

January 2014

  • My friend had bad luck with both his wives. The first one left him, and the second one didn't.
  • Looks don't matter to me if you're attractive.
  • I don't need fun to have Wine.
  • Most offices are just thinly-disguised adult day care.
  • Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.
  • Beauty Spot : The Art of locating a sexy woman in a crowd.
  • Important circular from GOD: Laying in bed with somebody and screaming "oh my GOD... oh my GOD" will not be considered as a prayer...
  • IT Department: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  • Be the strange that you want to see in the world.

April 2009

  • Laughter is the Best medicine, but if you’re laughing at nothing you need medicine.
  • Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habbits.
  • I am a responsible person...People are always saying "I know you're responsible for this."
  • Dear Google,Please stop behaving like WOMAN..will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before u start guessing & suggesting!!!....
  • No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.
  • 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
  • You should be able to see who you would be sitting next while you're booking your flight.
  • The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.
  • Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.
  • At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women.
  • That awkward moment when you leave the shop without buying anything and all you can think is, 'act natural, you're innocent.'

January 2013

  • I know its 3 meals a day... but how many should I eat at night?
  • I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed
  • Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational 
  • That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
  • I can't stop obsessing over how much you're probably thinking about me.
  • Without that little voice in your head, you wouldn’t be able to read this.
  • You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
  • Why do people with bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
  • I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for its health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealing!

March 2012

  • Whenever you’re talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 1000.
  • I’ve always wanted to know what was Victoria’s secret...
  • If you don’t feel like writing a long email to somebody, just write a short sentence and then add “Sent from my blackberry.”
  • The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check Facebook for 3+ hours. But you still can’t be totally sure...
  • Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
  • As a joke, I would love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell “Got it!” and then run away.
  • They chose those two animals to represent the stock market because Wall Street will feed you all the bull you can bear.
  • The awkward moment when you look over at the car next to you and someone is already staring at you.
  • I have a strong will, but a weak won’t.
  • Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
  • If you want someone to fall for you, you’ve got to give them something worth tripping over.
  • We are shaped by what we love, especially alcohol & dessert.
  • There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
  • No matter how loud car alarms are, cars never seem to wake up.
  • When. You. Read. This. The. Voice. In. Your. Head. Just. Slowed. Down. Haha…!

November 2010

  • This was taken from a tourism blog where people could post queries if they were planning on making a trip to India. The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who demonstrate tolerance and excellent sense of humor.
  • Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
    A: Sure, it"s only three thousand kms, take lots of water.
  • Q : Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
    A: Depends how much you"ve been drinking.
  • Q: Are there any ATMs India ? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi, Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore?(UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?
  • Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India ? ( USA )
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . In-di-a is that big triangle in the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean which does not.. oh forget it. ...... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa . Come naked.
  • Q: Which direction is North in India ? ( USA )
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we"ll send the rest of the directions.
  • Q: Can I bring cutlery into India ? ( UK )
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
  • Q: Can you send me the Indiana Pacers matches schedule? ( France )
    A: Indiana is a state in the Unites States of...oh forget it. Sure, the Indiana Pacers matches are played every Tues day night in Goa, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
  • Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore, and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
  • Q: Do you have perfume in India ? ( France )
    A: No, WE don't, We stink in India.
  • Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather in India.
  • Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first to speak properly.
  • Q: Do you have Toilet paper? (USA)
    A: No, we use sand paper but we have different grades for you to chose.

April 2010

  • Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  • Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  • If you think nobody cares if you"re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • How does Teflon stick to the pan?
  • Experience is what you get when you didn"t get what you wanted.
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Don"t take life too seriously, you won"t get out alive
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
  • That way, when you criticize them, you"re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • Assassins do it from behind.
  • All generalizations are false, including this one.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

July 2009

  • The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr Jones,do you understand that you have to tell the truth?" Mr Jones: "I do" "Now what do you say to defend yourself?" "Your honour, under those limtations... nothing."
  • Q: What is the most popular deity in Los Angeles? A: Godess KALI.. since Los Angeles is in “Kali”-fornia!!
  • Breaking News... Latest Headlines from the PoorJokes.in News Desk -
    1). A hard-line Indian political organization has decided to launch a nation wide agitation against all ISI mark products, since it suspects a Pakistani hand in them.
    2). A fundamentalist organization in Pakistan has opposed the telecast of WWE RAW Wrestling programmes in the country, as it believes Indian Intelligence is behind it.
  • Three cockroaches were going on the road, suddenly one of them started singing the song — AASHIQ BANAYA AAPNE. Few mins later, all the three cockroaches died... any idea why????? COZ the song is HIT...
  • Once in MIT, there was an Indian student.
    He was very briliant, and his General Knowledge (GK) was excellent.
    He won every Quiz in the institute .... Once he fell in love with a
    Phirangi girl...
    He proposed the girl, but She straight way rejected him ... calling him
    Bloody Desi...
    So after this, his GK fell drastically, and he stopped taking part in Quiz and all.....
    Now, u tell me the reason ... WHY ???
    .
    .
    .
    becoz, Jab Dil hee toot gaya.... toh GK kya karenge.

June 2009

  • This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald"s in Florida ... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
    Name: Greg Warner
    Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
    Desired position: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever"s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn"t be applying here in the first place.
    Education: Yes. 
    Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.
    Salary: Less than I"m worth.
    Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
    Reason for leaving: It sucked. 
    Hours available to work: Any.
    Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
    Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they"re better suited to a more intimate environment.
    May we contact your current employer?: If I had one, would I be here?
    Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to50 kilos?: Of what?
    Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
    What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I"m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I"d like to be doing that now.
    Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.
    Sign here: Aries...

May 2009

  • Q : Nurse to Santa Singh : Mubarak Ho!! Aap Papa Ban Gaye
    A : Santa : "Please don't tell my wife, I want to give her this surprise."
  • Q : What do you call a "Fat" lady waiting for a bus?
    A : "Moti - vating"!
  • Regular naps "prevent" old age.... especially if you do so whilst driving a car.
  • Consequences of an American Lifestyle family - The wife screams at her husband - "Come quickly! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!!"
  • There is a sign in a "sex-change" clinic which reads : "We may never piss this way again."
  • Santa : "I kiss my wife every morning before going to office."
    Banta : "Me too, after you leave."
  • Why men are happier than women?
    a). The world is our urinal.
    b). Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    c). If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
    d.) The same hairstyle lasts for years, sometimes decades.
    e). People never stare at our chest when we are talking to them.
    f). One wallet, one pair of shoes, one belt: all seasons.
    g). We can never be pregnant.
    h). Our belly usually hides our big hips.
    i). We have an option of growing a moustache.
  • Q: What do you call a Gujju with no knees?
    A: Knee - less (Nilesh)
  • Q: What did the 1st pizza slice say to the other pizza slice so it would move?
    A: Pizza - "Hut"!!

April 2009

  • Q : What does the blonde say after the doctor tells her that she is pregnant?
    A : "Is it mine?"
  • Q.: What do you call a wife who is sexy, beautiful, understanding, intelligent, caring,never jealous, humourous and a great cook?
    A.: A "rumour"
  • Q : Why did Banta Singh carry a pair of binoculars?
    A : Because he was on his way to see a "distant" relative.....
  • I think "drinking" and "driving" is terrible............You always spill it while changing gears.
  • Why are married women heavier than single women?Single women come home, see what"s in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home, see whats" in bed and then go to the fridge.
  • Eve to Adam : "What do you mean that the kids don't look like you?"
  • A neighbour of mine is so "fat", when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she first gets an estimate.
  • Do you know what the blonde did after taking a "Xerox" copy of a letter?... She compared it to the original for spelling mistakes...
  • I can sum up everything I"ve learned about life.......It"s $, Rs., £, $, Rs., £
  • A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk. The brunette says, "Oh look, a dead bird." And the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "WHERE???"
  • There are two rules for ultimate success in life. -
    1) Never tell everything you know......
    2). And........... J

March 2009

  • Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute Of Answering Machines...
    * Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
    * Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
    * Hi. Now you say something.
    * Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
    * Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message I'll call sooner!
    * Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I"ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
    * This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
    * Hi. I"m probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don"t like. Leave me a message, and if I don"t call back, it's you.
    * Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
    * Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

February 2009

  • One day a husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine? "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma" And they say blondes are dumb...
  • Love is holding hands in the street.
    Marriage is holding arguments in the street
    Love is losing your appetite.
    Marriage is losing your figure.
  • A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
  • At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying: You are next, you are next. But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
  • No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn"t work anyway.
    Height of optimism:
    Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
    Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!
  • Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that"s where you get your shitty ideas from!
  • Changu was visiting Mangu, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Mangu responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Changu: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that? "HELLOOOOOO," answered Mangu. "They"re watch dogs!"

January 2009

  • Laws of Universe
    These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
    1). Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to ITCH or you"ll have to pee.
    2). Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get a busy signal.
    3). Wilson"s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will STOP making it.
    4). Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move FASTER than the one you are in now. (works every time).
    5). Brown"s Law: If the shoe fits, it"s UGLY.
    6). Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the TELEPHONE rings.
    7). Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won"t work, it WILL.
    8). Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don"t know WHAT you are talking about.
    9). Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is INVERSELY proportional to the reach.
    10). Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive LAST.
    11). Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you WILL have a flat tire.

December 2008

  • A few of the 100 reasons why it"s greater to be a "Man" than being a "Woman":
    • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    • You don"t have to monitor your friend"s sex lives.
    • Old friends don"t give you crap if you"ve lost or gained weight.
    • Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
    • You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
    • You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
    • If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
    • If you"re 34 and single, nobody notices.
    • Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
    • Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
    • Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
    • You have a normal & healthy relationship with your mother.
    • You needn"t pretend you"re "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
    • If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
    • People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them. P.S. - If any woman reader would like to contribute to "A few reasons why it"s better to be a woman than a man"